Cool or Happy
Resisting the worms from eating away at my ability to be happy by hating everything. Declan called me a professional hater once and I laughed. Hating is the easiest way to exist but it is definitely not the best way. Maybe that makes it the hardest. To be happy is to be full, to not be crawling across the floor begging for a crumb of temporary satisfaction. Love can bring you that. Love can also accentuate what's missing from your fullness; when no one is relying on you in that intimate and vulnerable way, what's missing can feel less shameful. I never wanted the people I loved to know what was missing. Living in these false realities can feel like you're on a 50-foot tower made out of toothpicks; looking above the dirty truths that lie below, but knowing that you will be crashing down into them any moment. And that fall hurts. I don't know when I'll be ready to be in a relationship again. The emotions that I feel in relationships feel real because everything I feel...