grahhh

Grahhhhhhhhh

Grahhhhhhhhh

Grahhhhhhh


I am alive, I am alive, I am alive, I am alive. Have I just been tricking myself and the world into thinking I am the person I want to be seen as? Sometimes I feel like a stranger to myself. I feel like I have done an expert job at convincing the world I am a better person than I am. I just want to be seen, that's all I've ever wanted. How can I ever be seen if I am constructing this facade? This thin bullshit facade. Do I stoop to the level of person I think of myself as in these moments? Do I try to live up to the image I have tried so hard to curate? Why do I fucking care so God damn much? Why do I think about myself all the God damn time? Why can't I stop? Why can't I Just commit myself to something or someone and just be done with it? Just stop fucking searching. I'm so tired of searching. Sometimes I think that I am blessed with the ability to search. I didn't have to go to the mines at 15 and never think about myself until I am six feet under. Then other times, times like these, I see it as a curse; if I don't search I am squandering what this world has given me, if I do search I am forever condemned to a feeling of inadequacy. We all just want peace. I keep myself sane and alive by believing that most people, at least at this age, are riddled with the same insecurities that I am. I will never try to find out though. I get to live in the abstraction of belief. The moment I find out that I am the only one who is self-flagellating until I can't even engage in a conversation due to my feelings of inauthenticity is the moment I lose it all. Lose my sense of belonging. Lose my subjugation of individuality. Lose any belief that I can connect to another human being. I engage with certain friends with these feelings with the strong hope that they also grapple with these feelings, and they do, and it helps to talk and engage with them. I get to leave the prison of my mind. It's especially a treat when I talk to someone who grapples with these feelings and they are happy. As life-saving as commiserating can be, it just feels like more self-punishment. Oo but talking to someone who is happy and shares the same feelings that I do is like straight fucking dopamine into my brain. I think I'm unstoppable, that there is nothing in this world that cannot be overcome. That's my peace.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Aimless summer

Seeing something in myself that I've seen in so many people that came before me. I am exiting college and have gone from joyously untethered to dejectedly untethered. So many of my friends and relatives have gone through the same experience of struggling to find their footing after college and I really didn't think it would happen to me. I thought I understood myself enough to feel at least relatively at ease with the life I was leading. And maybe I'm feeling this gray fog of ennui because the farm didn't work out and it destabilized this notion of self that I had, or maybe it is because I am craving companionship, understanding. If someone offered me coke right now I would be very susceptible to getting hooked on it.  Every relationship in my life that felt simple and uncomplicated before now feels like trying to catch a fly with bare hands. I am trying not to project my bullshit on people; it feels like most people in my life are living fairly uncomplicated lives and ...
Read more

Road Trip

 I just returned from a week-long road trip visiting friends in Toronto and Chicago, Liam and Marley. I wanted to go on this trip to see people who mean a lot to me and who both feel far but close still. I really enjoyed seeing both of their lives. They lead such different lives. I was really moved by the love that Liam's friends had for each other. Maybe I just felt confident in Toronto because Liam made me feel welcomed or maybe its because of how these people are or maybe its because I got to escape familiarity, regardless of the why it was very heartwarming and lovely. In Chicago, things felt much more familiar. Saw a lot of people that I had known in Philly, had a conversation with an academic communist and a friend of my ex. Nevertheless, everyone there felt like they chose to be there, they were with one another because that's who they had. In Philly there is this ever-moving social paradigm that can be suffocating. I have very few people in Philly where my relationship ...
Read more

Paul the comic book store owner

 I spent my early childhood feeling alone. I felt like I had parents and a brother that never understood me. I had a couple friends and I spent a lot of my early childhood on the internet. I would watch superhero cartoons and things of that sort and I would look over at my parents or my brother to see a confused look on their faces. They never judged me for liking these things but they could never understand why I liked them. I remember I was on vacation with my family and my cousin who's a couple years older than me but I've always been very close with her. I was in a room that she, my brother and I shared. I was watching a Pewdiepie playthrough of Last of Us, and my cousin and my brother walked into the room and I embarrassedly closed the laptop with extreme haste so that they wouldn't see what I was watching. They thought I was watching porn. I felt like they wouldn't understand it and therefore wouldn't understand me, so I never gave them the opportunity to not ...
Read more