Farm

 I just had my first day on the farm I am supposed to work at for the whole summer. I'm really depressed by how much I hated it. It was so physically and emotionally defeating. I really don't want to go back tomorrow. I definitely idealized farming. I thought it would simplify my life or at least my problems. I would take all of these abstract and existential problems and either make them feel smaller or bring them to the surface so that I could actually identify them. I can't believe how much I hated it. Every minute was torture. I am really scared for MD. She's been feeling similar to me in that she thinks that farming will simplify her life. But honestly, MD has a much stronger ability to commit than I do, so maybe she'll fare better than I. I know that this experience is worthwhile and all. Like I know that no matter what I am pushing the ball forward, I am doing action which is the most important thing in this life. I am taking something that I have only ever thought about in the abstract and confronting it with reality. Its hard though. It's hard coming to terms with the fact that I don't have as much grit or determination as I once thought I did. I don't know maybe I do. I know what goes into restaurant work, I still want to do that. Maybe farming just isn't for me then. Ari is right in that I can't know after only one day, but man it really does feel like I do. I'm sitting here writing this at 1am after sleeping from 6pm to 11pm wondering if I am going to be able to fall back asleep. 

I was thinking of this farming experience as a way for me to apply my focus to the things that deserve it. For the past 3-4 years I have put almost all of my focus into my love life because I have convinced myself that if I find the love of my life all other problems will feel like small potatoes. No pun intended. And I know that this is not the case, I think I have always known that putting all my focus onto my love life is my way of pushing these mystery problems to the wayside. I know its helpful to be alone for me right now, but man do I fucking hate it. I hate playing the guessing game with someone I am having sex with. I hate not being direct with how I'm feeling. I hate being alone. 

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