Writing for an audience

Seeing something in myself that I've seen in so many people that came before me. I am exiting college and have gone from joyously untethered to dejectedly untethered. So many of my friends and relatives have gone through the same experience of struggling to find their footing after college and I really didn't think it would happen to me. I thought I understood myself enough to feel at least relatively at ease with the life I was leading. And maybe I'm feeling this gray fog of ennui because the farm didn't work out and it destabilized this notion of self that I had, or maybe it is because I am craving companionship, understanding. If someone offered me coke right now I would be very susceptible to getting hooked on it.  Every relationship in my life that felt simple and uncomplicated before now feels like trying to catch a fly with bare hands. I am trying not to project my bullshit on people; it feels like most people in my life are living fairly uncomplicated lives and ...

 I spent my early childhood feeling alone. I felt like I had parents and a brother that never understood me. I had a couple friends and I spent a lot of my early childhood on the internet. I would watch superhero cartoons and things of that sort and I would look over at my parents or my brother to see a confused look on their faces. They never judged me for liking these things but they could never understand why I liked them. I remember I was on vacation with my family and my cousin who's a couple years older than me but I've always been very close with her. I was in a room that she, my brother and I shared. I was watching a Pewdiepie playthrough of Last of Us, and my cousin and my brother walked into the room and I embarrassedly closed the laptop with extreme haste so that they wouldn't see what I was watching. They thought I was watching porn. I felt like they wouldn't understand it and therefore wouldn't understand me, so I never gave them the opportunity to not ...

 Birhtdays... can't live with em'... can't live without em'.