Birthdays

 Birhtdays... can't live with em'... can't live without em'.


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Aimless summer

Seeing something in myself that I've seen in so many people that came before me. I am exiting college and have gone from joyously untethered to dejectedly untethered. So many of my friends and relatives have gone through the same experience of struggling to find their footing after college and I really didn't think it would happen to me. I thought I understood myself enough to feel at least relatively at ease with the life I was leading. And maybe I'm feeling this gray fog of ennui because the farm didn't work out and it destabilized this notion of self that I had, or maybe it is because I am craving companionship, understanding. If someone offered me coke right now I would be very susceptible to getting hooked on it.  Every relationship in my life that felt simple and uncomplicated before now feels like trying to catch a fly with bare hands. I am trying not to project my bullshit on people; it feels like most people in my life are living fairly uncomplicated lives and ...
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Road Trip

 I just returned from a week-long road trip visiting friends in Toronto and Chicago, Liam and Marley. I wanted to go on this trip to see people who mean a lot to me and who both feel far but close still. I really enjoyed seeing both of their lives. They lead such different lives. I was really moved by the love that Liam's friends had for each other. Maybe I just felt confident in Toronto because Liam made me feel welcomed or maybe its because of how these people are or maybe its because I got to escape familiarity, regardless of the why it was very heartwarming and lovely. In Chicago, things felt much more familiar. Saw a lot of people that I had known in Philly, had a conversation with an academic communist and a friend of my ex. Nevertheless, everyone there felt like they chose to be there, they were with one another because that's who they had. In Philly there is this ever-moving social paradigm that can be suffocating. I have very few people in Philly where my relationship ...
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Ted Kaczynski

My friend Graham wrote a poem about Ted Kaczynski In his book I Have a Gun It made me think of Ted Kaczynski I decided to learn all about Ted Kaczynski during the peak of my isolation during covid times I thought I was losing my mind because I agreed with him I was terrified to tell anyone that I was becoming interested in Ted Kaczynski Because then they would know that I was losing my mind And I thought that it would be fine if I lost my mind as long as no one knew about it. Then I went to a party at one of my cousin's friends' They were all at least five years older than me I got harrassed by a thick man over adherence to pong rules I made jokes to my brother about how out of place I felt I struck up a conversation with the one vaguely alt-looking girl there And somehow the conversation veered its way to Ted Kaczynski I told her that I've been reading a lot about him and his manifesto recently And her response was "ugh every guy is so obsessed with Ted Kaczynski...
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