Birthdays

 Birhtdays... can't live with em'... can't live without em'.


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Aimless summer

Seeing something in myself that I've seen in so many people that came before me. I am exiting college and have gone from joyously untethered to dejectedly untethered. So many of my friends and relatives have gone through the same experience of struggling to find their footing after college and I really didn't think it would happen to me. I thought I understood myself enough to feel at least relatively at ease with the life I was leading. And maybe I'm feeling this gray fog of ennui because the farm didn't work out and it destabilized this notion of self that I had, or maybe it is because I am craving companionship, understanding. If someone offered me coke right now I would be very susceptible to getting hooked on it.  Every relationship in my life that felt simple and uncomplicated before now feels like trying to catch a fly with bare hands. I am trying not to project my bullshit on people; it feels like most people in my life are living fairly uncomplicated lives and ...
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Road Trip

 I just returned from a week-long road trip visiting friends in Toronto and Chicago, Liam and Marley. I wanted to go on this trip to see people who mean a lot to me and who both feel far but close still. I really enjoyed seeing both of their lives. They lead such different lives. I was really moved by the love that Liam's friends had for each other. Maybe I just felt confident in Toronto because Liam made me feel welcomed or maybe its because of how these people are or maybe its because I got to escape familiarity, regardless of the why it was very heartwarming and lovely. In Chicago, things felt much more familiar. Saw a lot of people that I had known in Philly, had a conversation with an academic communist and a friend of my ex. Nevertheless, everyone there felt like they chose to be there, they were with one another because that's who they had. In Philly there is this ever-moving social paradigm that can be suffocating. I have very few people in Philly where my relationship ...
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Cool or Happy

Resisting the worms from eating away at my ability to be happy by hating everything. Declan called me a professional hater once and I laughed. Hating is the easiest way to exist but it is definitely not the best way. Maybe that makes it the hardest. To be happy is to be full, to not be crawling across the floor begging for a crumb of temporary satisfaction. Love can bring you that. Love can also accentuate what's missing from your fullness; when no one is relying on you in that intimate and vulnerable way, what's missing can feel less shameful. I never wanted the people I loved to know what was missing. Living in these false realities can feel like you're on a 50-foot tower made out of toothpicks; looking above the dirty truths that lie below, but knowing that you will be crashing down into them any moment. And that fall hurts. I don't know when I'll be ready to be in a relationship again. The emotions that I feel in relationships feel real because everything I feel...
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